I haven't written in awhile, which is quite sad really. Too much of the editor in me lately I guess. As soon as I get something down I hate it and want to alter it or delete it completely.
Life has not been so great lately. I feel pretty lonely, pretty lost. I don't know where to go from here. I'm not even sure how I got here. I guess it is the quarter-life crisis I have heard so much about. To give in to this seems unforgivably pathetic, but lately I am too tired to do much other than attempt to make it to work and home again. I don't know how I can blame others for thinking fibromyalgia is an excuse when I even feel that way myself sometimes. I guess that is why I force myself to do things such as play ultimate frisbee even though sometimes I can barely walk afterward. Kyle told me a doctor he knows said it "isn't even a real disease" and that made me so angry. I don't care what you want to call it, it's real and it isn't in my head and it is affecting a lot of people. Trust me I am not a hypochondria. I do not want to feel this way. It has ruined a lot for me and I am so scared. I am 24 and I feel like I am so old and that of course leads me to wonder - if it is this bad now how bad will it be when I actually am old?
I have researched fibro online and in books. I have seen countless doctors. I have taken the medicines, I have refused to take the medicines. I have tried vitamins and natural supplements. I have dragged myself to the gym. I have tried sleeping as long as I can, I have tried forcing myself to get up after 8 hours and no matter what I am exhausted. I have had 2 sleep studies done at the hospital and gone to a pulmonary specialist. I have slept using a machine that is supposed to help me achieve deeper sleep because I have sleep apnea and stop breathing in my sleep and never get past stage 1 or 2 and therefore never dream and never get restorative sleep. And yet I am still exhausted ALL THE TIME. Now I have started throwing up. I told my doctor and she said to take the medicine with food. So I am very careful to take the medicine right as I eat and I still end up at work with my head in the toilet puking my guts out and then have to go back to my desk and make it through the rest of the night and pretend I am fine. But I am not fine. I am angry, and frustrated and mostly I am scared. I do not know what to do anymore and it isn't fair and I don't know what I did to deserve this. I am so lonely I miss having someone to hold me and rub my neck and back because it hurts and being able to sink into their arms and feel their warmth and pretend nothing else exists and to feel safe and cared for just for a little while.
So I have stopped taking the medicine and all the vitamins and I haven't thrown up today. If I haven't thrown up in a few days I will start taking the vitamins again one at a time and make sure none of them are making me sick. Next week when I go back to the doctor I will tell her I am not taking that medicine anymore that I don't care what the hell she says it is making me more sick. This is what always happens. I go to the doctor because it gets so bad I can't deal with it on my own and then I get so frustrated that they don't seem to know how to help that I give up on them and go back to just dealing until it gets so bad again I end up crying in another doctor's office.
I am at a point where I should be thinking about my career and trying to figure out what my next move is. How can I take on a job with more responsibility, which is what I want, when I am so tired and can barely get through my current job without falling out of my chair as it is? I always tell myself I want to get my health a bit more stable before I make a move but maybe this is good as it will ever be. Am I going to give in and admit that I cannot do more or am I going to try and do more and possibly kill myself in the process? Knowing me I will end up just doing it like I always have.
And on a completely new line of ranting I thought our generation was so independent and staying single longer and getting married in our 30s - oh really than why the hell does it seem like so many of my friends are so happy and have these great relationships just fall into their laps while every time I end up completely broken hearted and all alone? How come they seem to deserve to have someone there for better or for worse and not me when I really could use someone to lean on so badly? Unless you are in pain all the time you have no idea how draining it is. I don't understand this world. I don't understand cancer and murder and war and people throwing away people who love them and would do anything for them for petty, selfish non-reasons. I don't understand the concept of a good God in this horrible place and fuck anyone who tells me otherwise.
I will get through this.
